2012.

I'm not sure why I'm compelled to do this. I guess I just feel the need to express whats been going on inside me, and in my life at the moment. I don't usually put myself out there, but 2012 was crazy for me. This is my recap.

I started out 2012 in what I would consider a transitional phase from the cyclist I was to what I knew I wanted to be…faster. I was riding a lot longer a lot more. I was pushing myself harder, and gearing my body and mind up for the start of the spring road race season. Then came a big turning point… In February my girlfriend of 5 years and I broke up. 

I had known her for almost 12 years. Things weren't going well, but on another hand, things weren't terrible or broken. I had a hunch that she was interested in someone else. When we finally butted heads about where the relationship was going, she flipped the switch on me. I had to live with her for another month after the breakup, and watch her move on with someone else right in front of me. It was the shittiest situation I've ever been through. 

I was very passive and civil throughout it all as I wanted to keep my dignity. I knew no matter what I did or said, it wouldn't change anything, so I just let it go. There is so much to be said about it all, but I'll leave the details out of it. I found a place to live with 3 other roommates who I didn't know. 2 of them were allergic to cats. This may sound petty to some, but I've had my cat almost 12 years and I am very attached to him. Since they are allergic, I could not bring him with me. Luckily my Mom offered to take care of him, so I drove him upstate to her place. 

So here I am without the girl that I've known forever and lived with for the good part of 5 years. I moved here with her, and for her. My cat is gone. I literally threw out 1/4 of what I owned and now am in a place in a new part of Brooklyn living with 3 complete strangers. Everything I had known a month prior was completely different.  I realized that I may have moved here FOR her, but now I am here for myself. Looking back, Its hard to believe that I could now care less about someone I spent so much time with just a year later. Thats the scary part.

I spent so much time thinking about where the fuck it all went wrong until I realized that none of it mattered at all. I started doing everything I could to just keep my mind off it. I dated a bunch, but nothing held my interest, and nothing felt right. I realized that I simply needed to be by myself and wanted nothing more. This is the first time in my life that I felt this way. I said yes to everything that came my way. I ate things I used to think were gross. I just let everything happen instead of analyzing it. I grew.

Throughout all of this, I was riding constantly. I was going to the gym, occasionally going to yoga. I re-evaluated the way I ate, and learned more about nutrition than I ever have. I've always been in shape, but this was a new level. Slowly things came into a new balance. This is my new life. I rode as much as I could. This was the only way I could clear my head. I pushed myself harder than ever, and was feeling progress. Once I felt it I couldn't let go, so I just kept pushing. I knew within a couple months that I was way stronger than I had ever been on the bike. 

I spent the rest of 2012 riding, training, racing and learning. Its all I do outside of work, and truthfully, its all I ever want to do. One thing I've learned this year is that you can ride as hard and long as you want, but you will come to a point where you aren't progressing anymore. Anyone who trains hard will eventually hit their natural plateau. For me it was very evident. It takes so much variation in training, eating, sleeping, recovery and mentality to get past it.

I made a ton of accomplishments this past year. I'm not a big runner but I placed 10th in a duathlon and 2nd in my age group. I had a good run track racing with quite a few victories. I had some standout moments and good results in my road racing season, especially towards the end of it. When Cyclocross season started, I started out strong and continued with consistent top 10 finishes until I upgraded to Category 3. 

I'm not boasting, but am reflecting on what was obvious progression for me. I am lucky to be in the shape that I am at this age, but I also know it takes a lot of work, and I am proud of myself for that. People that have known me for years know that I partied my ass off for a looooong time, and got myself into all sorts of bad shit. I pushed my limits many a time. Right now I consider myself lucky to even be here. My life has changed considerably.

At the moment I am on a very structured training plan which is working well for me so far. Its almost like learning a new language. There are so many variables…so many angles. I have always gone to the gym, but never worked out for a specific sport. My gym time consists of training specifically for cycling. My eating is pretty dialed and I feel so much more conscious of what I am putting into my body than I ever have been. I know how to balance my intake to my needs and my training. 

Going into 2013, I have no resolutions. I don't have anything that I need to quit. All I have is an aspiration to push myself further with my fitness, and learn everything I can to find greater balance. Everything is coming together, and although I'll never be done learning and growing, it makes more sense day by day. The more I push my limits, the more I realize I was limiting myself. The times I think about the bad of 2012, the more I think how much it changed me, and honestly, I am grateful for that.